A part of me died inside today when I listened and observed the fun activities the church did during the camp. There comes periods of time where you could only smile at recollections of things that were described by others, knowing full well that you were excluded from their bubbles of enjoyment. The envy was so strong that I could have stuck a knife inside me to forget the loneliness. I know full well that I can have opportunities later on, but it’s just not the same without the people you know.
I hav been torn by the probability of going to the mission trip end of this year because of my poor fitness, meaning I have to enter NS early and miss out on a ‘life-changing’ event. Once again this is not the last mission trip I could go for but for the reason above, it feels something is lacking.
With block test coming up and living through one of the worst haze SG has seen, I just had to get it off my chest–it bothers me deeply even as I type. Seeing people who are able to lead/coordinate makes me wish I had a talent to bring to the table..I guess it takes time to reveal it. I marvel SH at her ability to lead cell groups for around 3 years and to be involved in organizing the above-mentioned trip though she admitted that she was an introvert. It takes pluck and a lucid mind to even stand in front of people and present, what more when leading!
As a result, I turn to hymns to comfort myself, knowing that the Lord is still with me all this while. Some of them stir emotion and I wish to have a chance to lead worship so that I could share my songs.
There goes half a year and I cannot grasp how fast time flies. A levels are coming up soon and we will part ways soon, both in church and school. I really want to hold on to them together but as a Chinese saying goes, all gatherings on earth will disperse. I’ll need to take it one step at a time.
Enough of my ranting and its back to business, however much I want to enjoy the days. 😦