Prelims have ended but I’ve always think of it as the end of the appetizer…with the main course not out yet. It is a relief but the shit starts coming in sooner or later.
I don’t feel very anxious about the A’s to the extent of losing sleep over it and this is so unlike what my seniors used to feel…is this even normal? Yet this could be because I’m still preoccupied about the mission trip…
How exactly does God tell us what we should even do? Divine intervention? Or listening to the quiet voice in your heart? Now I don’t even know whether I’m being fed false hope of still going for it despite strenuous opposition, or whether this is what the Lord is making me go through in the run-up to the trip. I can’t be bogged down by this anymore and a final decision is very appreciated.. I don’t know whether God is telling me to just let it go through my parents or whether I’m too stubborn to face reality. To be honest, I hoped for a message that would be as clear as day cos I am not one to detect subtlety well. ‘What can I do next?’ I ask myself. Answer: ‘I don’t know.’ Thinking about this brings me to a low again.
There are reasons why I was attracted to the idea of the trip:
-never been on one before, want to experience it
-it’s after A’s
-bonding with youth
-and my mentor’s previous trip to the same place as well
I was somewhat attracted partly because of the last point and a desire to make an impact on the community. Now, I’ve begun to shift attention to the other points as well cos they’re more crucial anyway. Dreaming about the trip seems to have taken a toll on me, ever since the first training session. I told E about my decision after the argument and though she understood my decision, she encouraged me to keep on praying about it. Oh man, I don’t even know whether this is just an illusion that all is well, and that I’m supposed to stay at home :((
Just the other day I was much encouraged by SH’s testimony of how she broke out of her low self-esteem. It is eerily identical to mine and this gave me hope that all is not lost yet, that I can still make a difference somehow.
Yet, most importantly, when will such indecision end?