Angst

Prelims have ended but I’ve always think of it as the end of the appetizer…with the main course not out yet. It is a relief but the shit starts coming in sooner or later. 

I don’t feel very anxious about the A’s to the extent of losing sleep over it and this is so unlike what my seniors used to feel…is this even normal? Yet this could be because I’m still preoccupied about the mission trip… 

How exactly does God tell us what we should even do? Divine intervention? Or listening to the quiet voice in your heart? Now I don’t even know whether I’m being fed false hope of still going for it despite strenuous opposition, or whether this is what the Lord is making me go through in the run-up to the trip. I can’t be bogged down by this anymore and a final decision is very appreciated.. I don’t know whether God is telling me to just let it go through my parents or whether I’m too stubborn to face reality. To be honest, I hoped for a message that would be as clear as day cos I am not one to detect subtlety well. ‘What can I do next?’ I ask myself. Answer: ‘I don’t know.’ Thinking about this brings me to a low again.

There are reasons why I was attracted to the idea of the trip: 

-never been on one before, want to experience it

-it’s after A’s

-new culture

-bonding with youth

-confidence booster

-and my mentor’s previous trip to the same place as well

I was somewhat attracted partly because of the last point and a desire to make an impact on the community. Now, I’ve begun to shift attention to the other points as well cos they’re more crucial anyway. Dreaming about the trip seems to have taken a toll on me, ever since the first training session. I told E about my decision after the argument and though she understood my decision, she encouraged me to keep on praying about it. Oh man, I don’t even know whether this is just an illusion that all is well, and that I’m supposed to stay at home :((

Just the other day I was much encouraged by SH’s testimony of how she broke out of her low self-esteem. It is eerily identical to mine and this gave me hope that all is not lost yet, that I can still make a difference somehow.

Yet, most importantly, when will such indecision end?

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Comfort

“2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

Indeed, it heartens me to know that the Lord is always watching me even as I am plagued by worries and distractions.

不寻常的相遇

From: http://www.sadiemagazine.com/issue-no-11/arts-letters/comic/i-think-i-am-in-friend-love-with-you

This sums up my exact sentiments for you right now, and it’s a reason why my emotions for you have been so complicated [and I came across this while reading your blog, no less]. Coincidence, huh?

It spooked me when I realised that my feelings for you bordered on stalkerism, not to mention the 10-year age gap. This has been going on since last year already.. I am now trying to maintain a normal student-mentor relationship, nothing more, nothing less. I admit it can be difficult at times and I ask God for help to deliver me from such weird thoughts, but it isn’t far from the truth to say that I have a crush on you..

This is why the cartoon resounded within me–the match was so uncanny! In an alternate universe, I would have looked forward to the above scenario. Yes, I hope for the way the cartoon ended. It is a very awkward situation, but I’m trying my best to keep the relationship within bounds… You may feel scandalized, even disgusted if you ever see this, but please at least understand what I feel..