This week has given me time to wax lyrical about life and to muse over the various failings(?) that have been stumbling me these days..
Seeing myself as the sword of Damocles basically sums up what I feel about myself. I have to tread carefully and watch out to avoid having myself killed. I am the weapon and the wielder, but more often than not, I leave with wounds, many times over. There are occasions beyond number where an act of foolishness wrecked whatever happy ending which could have been, of mind, acts and feelings. Maybe I should get more iLBVs/helmets, huh? Nah, what use do they have if the sword cuts at your heart?
There comes the period of waiting for your university applications, and seeing your friends enter their dream course while your application is ‘still processing’. Minutes turn to hours, to days, to weeks. Anticipation turns to despair, disillusion. The feeling of mediocrity seeing people you know who are assured of a place while you worry all day and night. The depression dissolves you from inside to the outside, leaving nothing to hold on. Hence the skeleton. I know waiting may be part of the Lord’s plan, but as mortals, we are so impatient and I plead mea culpa.
Recently I often see myself as a tired knight, who has enough of the war outside and inside. [I was from Knight Company–no pun intended absolutely. Really.] I want to take a step back from whatever shit that’s happening now and be a bystander. I can’t fight with no spirit, no energy. It’s like living everyday without a purpose. [But isn’t what army life is about? With the schedule planned out for you, there is no other purpose than to go with the flow.] All I know is that I’m tired, I need a break from the fights with myself and the world.
So basically, I’m caught in a storm with no way out. Yet, the fact that I survived signifies that I’m not as hopeless I think myself to be. “With Christ at the centre, I can smile at the storm”–beautiful music, beautiful hope, but when?