I have come to a point where disillusionment sets in and I can’t bring myself to care about unrelated things. Being negative about the future made me entertain dark thoughts of death (to others!), of random figures and to b disdainful of others.

When was the last time I felt really happy? An hour, week, years ago? It’s like sucking dry the juice in a fruit, leaving the unpalatable residue. The last I want is to be a statistic on a newspaper,but I’m walking a fine line here.

If the ultimate betrayal could happen to Jesus, what is mine then? I don’t know whether the impossible can happen–the chances are so low. It’s so difficult to put faith in an ardous cause.

Basically I’m placed in a quandry: how much faith can I put in Him before it starts to hurt?

BITTERsweet

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So GAIT ended after field camp and ROP and I’m now officially a guardsman!

This came at a price, with section outfield at Tekong again. Sleeping on hilly ground, with the real frightening possibility of getting lost [which I almost did], and the shitty feeling of not bathing for 4 days took a toll on me. Section battle course was shag with a 2km circuit and running up a hill. ROP was simple compared to the GCC video but I almost died carrying a 60+kg stretcher for 4km.

Yet, I received the tab and beret with a certain sense of cynicism. It’s cool to be known as a guardsman, but so what? You have to go through elite training for the next 12 years, which is too much a bargain. I also felt that I didn’t give my all here, protecting myself at the expense of others. I felt really bad when I saw my sergeant bent double at the end all because I fell out. And how important is the khaki beret? Certainly not more important than my sanity! Am I proud to be a guardsman? Yeah, maybe, but there’s a lot of things to feel bitter about, from the people to the training. Now I’m too lazy to try my best at all.

Compounding this sense of disillusionment is the feeling of having doors shut in your face despite countless heartfelt prayers, pleading and hoping. I wasn’t too sure of my chances, but I had hopes. Now they have fallen. I don’t know whether to trust God’s wisdom in these kinds of things again. It hurts too much to see where others have gone only to see an uncertain future in front of you. I have no confidence in what I am doing now. I just want out from this complex situation.

When can I be satisfied and thank God for His blessings? Being caught in a depression makes you cry out to Him, but when He doesn’t listen to you, what next?