so many things have happened for the last 6 mths that its incredible to see how much things have changed.
picking up from previous, there was studying for the emmkat. although i had made notes for the topics and all, it did not really work out well and the mock tests were rather average. i belatedly discovered the relevant subreddit w 1 month remaining and i hated myself for not discovering it sooner: there was a fk ton of useful info, practice test websites and even online flashcards on anki. well i did what i could w these added stuff but there was the feeling of too little, too late. even on the actual test day i forgot my passport and almost couldn’t take the test, luckily mum delivered it to me. it was at cuppage plaza and there were 15 computer terminals…probably why there were limited slots for each session. the interface was very similar to the practice tests and i quickly got into the test mood. so many things were mentioned: fREI, parabiosis of mice, tragedy of the commons from a 2008 economist article and sth about a posture league lol. well i thought the paper went smoothly and all, and naturally i relaxed after the test was over..however when test results came 1 mth later, i was crushed to see my average grades, even lower than the cutoff point fml. this threw me into a loop and naturally i decided to reapply for the next coming window in oct…didn’t really get my desired date of end june cos i was too slow but managed to get a week before that. now that i know what i am lacking, fingers crossed it can be betterrrr…but tbh there is the fear of fking it up again.
last year in sch and this sem i was taking some leadership mod, biz val, mgmt acct and forensic–a comparatively light workload from previous sems. bv was pretty meh even tho our teacher was very experienced and all, i have come to the realization that acct may not be the job for me. just so many terminology that flew over my head, probably cos i didn’t really like what i was learning i guess?? also we had to do a analysis on a listed coy, and i suggested sbs…turned out that our prof was sitting on the public tpt council fml so we ko’d ourselves there. ok lah at least our team was quite capable of getting down to work using senior reports for reference…there were disagreements here and there but at least the project was submitted. case presentation was on ups and it turned out to be the most challenging case out there, so many things to consider and the scope was fking huge to say the least. well at least prof understood its complexity and supposedly will grade us on a lower standard but who knows? finals was bad and i really dk whether i can do well…
mgmt acct was taught by a part-time prof who had a veryy stacked resume: director of many coys and being involved in some social enterprise thing. well tbh he was somewhat avg, sometimes it seemed like he wasn’t very sure of the syllabus and all and made us confused as well. we had to use tableau for a analytics case study on huskie cars and despite the ridiculously low car sales and v13/v11 engines (???) it was not bad, but turned out that he marked us lower for the project presentation like seriously? finals was meh also and doing well is a challenge.
a more interesting mod was forensics, quite nice to learn about crime scenes and various techniques, and the finals required one to analyse the scene and apply the stuff learnt in the case. it was quite easy but since i alr planned to s/u it, i didn’t really care so much and left the hall as soon as it was possible. the quizzes before that was average and this forced me to use up one of my unused s/us.
the leadership mod was mostly essay writing (4 in total) and basically learning about leadership in organisations. on one hand it was interesting to see how complicated leadership is and to sit down to pen a personal vision. the project felt like a disaster: we chose the armed forces but it turned out that the exchange student was rather lazy/irresponsible etc. didn’t really do much and failed to turn up for rehearsal even when we agreed: “oh i’m too tired” lol, not like we were fresh as fk anyway. also didn’t really know what was going on in the meetings and such, despite coming from germany with turkish descent. the other exchange student was from oman but did pull her weight in the project…very driven person i would add. B was what i describe as an otaku but he did draw anime figures well and all. very cynical and self-described as a psychopath and came across as weird initially, but he redeemed himself with his more extensive knowledge of our project [granted that his bro also did the same course and same organisation previously]. SY was the emergent leader and really took charge of everything, esp after a team quarrel over the amt of work we had done. anyway, she also liaised with her friend who served in the general staff, and we interviewed him regarding our project. he was quite helpful and shared insights which we incorporated in the project. for some reason, despite our dysfunctional team dynamic, we managed to get a surprisingly good grade beyond our expectations, so all is good.
went for 2 job interviews during the recess break in tax positions. tbh, i felt that the interview at d was rather bad: the interviewer was very skeptical because of my grades and i felt it was a utter shambles. the one at k felt better and we conversed more naturally. after a month, i was resigned to not getting any of them, but as luck would have it, d called me to ask whether i was still interested. so of course i accepted it tho it was out of the blue. tbh it isn’t a place that i would really want to go, but at least there is less stress in finding other jobs nowww.
just ended a observership at ttsh and i admit this has made me relook my initial desire for health more critically. seeing the house officer do their admin work (case notes, calling family members, checking on them once a while) and there was really a lot of things to do even though there were only around 20 patients. the patients were suspected of having infectious diseases and thus the ward was designed to create negative pressure (2 sliding doors). i accompanied one of the juniors on call and seeing his stressed face and all really showed the harsh reality of the goal i am aiming for. while talking to them over coffee [sponsored by the senior resident], they also urged me to think carefully about the trade-offs (limited personal and family time, long hours, being scolded/kicked by patients who did not appreciate their work). it was really fortuitous to be in this program, as i asked SJ whether his wife was available to take me in after the exams. there was also blue-letter/referral rounds where the registrar went to see patients that had been referred to ID: it was rushed but it was yet another look in the industry. i was also recommended to read some related books and recieved advice to basically think carefully before making the switch. i also saw the insertion of a catheter, removal of a stent and history taking of patients. in the afternoon i sat in retroviral clinic, and it was humbling to see the patients who actually could be any one of us. all of them were adhering to the regimen and thus the viral load was undetectable and all. another patient also received news of a negative test and i could see the relief in the person. this was definitely a private and confidential moment which i was fortunate to witness and i really marveled at the clinician’s ability to reassure the patients to continue living normal lives.
over the past few mths i am still confused abt the link btwn L and myself. i invited her to come for car events and she actually agreed. it was there that i began to appreciate the power of an actual camera and the use of angles to create proper pics…tbh i am now bitten by the photog bug cos of her. not very sure where we stand now even though i was added as a ‘close friend’: the things shared there were rather personal and unlike the stuff on normal stories, but msgs haven’t been very forthcoming. maybe i am going too fast, but it would be nice to have a closer friend for a change. this has driven me into a loop many times but i can’t discern what is the next step: give up or continue?
over the 10 yrs, i have sat for 2 national exams, went through army and almost finishing uni. so many things have passed, so many experiences…am i any wiser 10 yrs ago? so many changes in technology, skills, relationships and all but there is still so many years to come…what next? grad med/work/idk but i hope that the Lord will still walk with me in my time here.
A solo soliloquy. 